SS  Richard Montgomery Matter

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URBAN MYTHS - ADULT THEMED: MEDICAL AND X-RATED

 

This collection covers tales of doctors, hospitals and x-rated tales. I've kept the language clean, but the theme is adult.

Urban Myth is the British term for modern folktales also known as urban legends or foaf-tales (foaf = friend-of-a-friend).

 

WHY RUGBY BALLS ARE A STRANGE SHAPE?

Not one for the faint hearted... This story, reported in the press, happened in a College of Surgeons Rugby game. Story goes like this, in the course of the game a guy is unfortunate enough to dislocate his leg. He is screaming in agony. The pitch is full of trainee medics and they realise this fairly fast. They call an ambulance but also realise the quickest way to put the guy out of his agony is to push the femur back into the hip joint. They go ahead and do this. Unfortunately the screaming intensifies as a result; the poor guy has gone from occasional moans of agony to squealing like a pig getting slaughtered. Within a few minutes he has passed out from the pain.

The reason? When they pushed his femur back into his hip socket, they managed to catch snag one of his testicles along the way and ram it into the ball of the hip joint ahead of the femur they were trying to re-locate. When the bone snapped back into place the testicle was squashed immediately because of the strength of the ligament and tendons attaching the leg to the pelvic girdle. The guy lost his testicle and ruptured his vocal cords screaming in agony.

Note: It is apparently not possible to get a testicle caught in the hip socket due to all the muscles, tendons etc in the way.

 

EROTICA FOR THE ESTATE OF THE DECEASED

There is a "myth" (maybe not..) doing the rounds that a recently deceased person is sent an invoice for erotic material or services. To avoid embarrassment to the deceased's family, the executor supposedly pays up. If recent tales are to be believed, this scam continues today in the form of invoices for pornographic DVDs etc.

In the mid 19th to early 20th century a similar scam played on Victorian morality. Certain suppliers of "Smoking room literature" i.e. "erotica" kept an eye on the deaths columns in newspapers. They sent invoices for titles such as "Nymphs in Clover", "Athletic Greeks" or "Turkish Teenage Baths" to the deceased; matching the title to the presumed nature of the deceased. Executors quietly paid the invoice (it being a relatively small sum) to avoid the embarrassment of the subject appearing in the List of Liabilities for Probate and often to avoid the family finding out about Uncle Ned's secret interest in naked boys.

Sometimes they sent a copy of the book. Naturally, the executor attempted to return it. The vendor apologetically explained that with this kind of "specialist" publication the order could not be cancelled as the remaindered stock couldn't realistically be advertised. So the executor paid the bill, but suggest that the seller kept the book (the executor certainly didn't want to have to deal with it!). This meant the "vendor" could use the same book many times over.

The scam came to light when a much-respected (but unmarried) village Vicar died aged 82. His executor received a book containing prints of naked young boys soon after. This time, the executor knew it to be a scam and the police arrested and prosecuted the vendor (on charges of extortion). The vendor was convicted and received a long jail sentence. The elderly Vicar had been blinded in an accident when he was 24 and had no use for pornographic pictures!

In modern times, spurious things sometimes appear on credit card statements and many people are too embarrassed to take it up with their bank. - "Honest sir, I did not ask for a daily supply of young women doing things with farm animals". A friend found his card billed for NINE subscriptions to a single online porn site. Luckily the police and his bank agreed that while ONE subscription might have been hard to deny, there was no way he would have taken out NINE subscriptions!

 

QUICK-DIAL VIBRATOR

This reminds me of a story I once read about a couple who were messing about with a bowl of fruit. He managed to insert an orange into his girlfriend's vagina but then couldn't get it out again. The doctor had to segment the orange with a scalpel whilst it was still inside her. In another version a woman inserts an apple into her vagina to prove to a female friend the effect of having a baby, once again it had to be surgically removed and the woman told Emergency Room staff that she'd slipped and sat down on the fruit bowl while dusting the house (stark naked or at least with no panties on?)

Doctors in Taipei Medical Hospital were confused as to why anyone would want to insert a mobile

phone or pager into their rectum, but the female patient didn’t want to tell an anything. She just said she’d sat on it accidentally, and was clearly very embarrassed, so they removed it, and didn’t ask any more questions.

A few days later, another woman was rushed into Emergency with severe abdominal pain, and once again doctors found a mobile phone lodged in her rectum - it was even the same model, a Nokia 8850. When they asked her about it, she confessed what had happened. She and her friends had discovered a neat way of stimulating themselves by switching their phones and pagers to vibrate rather than ring and then inserting it into the anus or vagina. Then they'd use the household phone to call their mobile, starting it buzzing inside them. The phone gradually vibrated itself deeper and deeper until it couldn't be removed. Apparently, the Noble 8850 has a particularly strong vibrating function, but the manufacturers do not recommend its use in this way. Radio signals probably don't your insides much good and once they've slipped out of reach. It also doesn't do the phone much good. Practitioners recommend putting the mobile phone inside a thin nylon stocking so it can always be pulled out after use.

 

GETTING THE PROBLEM LICKED

If you lick your envelopes...You won't after reading this. A woman was working in a post office in California. One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady cut her tongue on the envelope. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat. She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live roach crawled out. There were roach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist... This is a true story reported on TV.  You wouldn't believe the..... things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't licked an envelope for years.

The guy who told me this used to work for a print shop  and were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. We never understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500 envelops that were already printed for a customer who was doing a mailing and saw several squads of roaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs everywhere. They eat the glue on the envelopes. I think print shops have a harder time controlling roaches than a restaurant. I always buy the self-sealing type. Or if need be I use a glue stick to seal one that has the type of glue that needs to be wet to stick.

 

HOSPITAL BLUNDERS

A friend of a friend went to visit her auntie who was being cared for in a mental hospital. The old dear had lost most of her marbles but the woman was still fond of her favourite aunt. When she arrived, one of the nursing staff broke some very bad news. The aunt had passed away peaceful in the early hours of the morning. The staff had made sure the old girl was comfortable; perhaps the niece would like to see the aunt's old room one last time and maybe she'd appreciate a bit of privacy during this upsetting time.

The niece was grateful for the offer, she could certainly do with the privacy as it was real shock - the old girl had seemed so healthy at the last visit. She must have fallen asleep or passed out or something, because the next thing she knew a doctor was asking her if she'd mind moving to a different room. Still numb with shock she was ushered into another room. She spent the next ten years there, protesting that she wasn't a patient; but because it's so common for mental patients to claim to be someone else it took ten years for the doctors to take her claims seriously and finally discharge her from the hospital.

(In one variation, the 'nurse' who tells the woman that her relative is dead is actually the patient; the woman is shown to the patient's own room 'for a bit of privacy' and the patient escapes while the woman spends the next ten years persuading staff that she is quite sane.)

 

CERTIFIED SANE 

A psychiatrist in charge of an asylum regularly arranged entertainment for his patients, including dances and chess games. One day, during a dance, he came to the conclusion that an attractive lady patient was in fact completely sane. Convinced that she shouldn't be in an institution he arranged for her to be released, but to his surprise she refused.

"Why on earth would you want to stay in an asylum?" he asked, "You're as sane as I am."

"I'm well aware of that, however my husband had me put here so that he could pursue an affair with another woman," she replied, "a few months later, I inherited my family fortune which is held in trust for me because I've been certified 'insane'. Of course my husband wanted me certified 'sane' and released so that he could get to my fortune, but I refused. I'm quite happy here and my husband can't get to my money. As you can well imagine, my husband is now madder than I ever was!"

 

YELLOW FEVER 

Many years ago, before Britain had large ethnic communities, rural doctors spent several weeks treating a newcomer to their village for yellow jaundice - before realising that he was Chinese.

 

THE CUCUMBER KID 

A young chap regularly ended up at his doctor's with unexplainable soreness in the anal region. A course of antibiotics and some anti-inflammatories generally cleared things up. A few weeks later, he'd return with the same symptoms.

At first the doctor asked if he was having anal sex with another man. The chap denied this. The doctor then made the joke about "you haven't got an amorous male lodger who's chloroforming you and buggering you in your sleep?" The man denied this - he lived alone.

All was revealed one day when the man arrived at A&E (ER) with a cucumber lodged firmly in his lower bowel. According to hospital sources, 'the cucumber kid' became a regular visitor to A&E and despite warnings about do himself some serious damage he eventually punctured his bowel and died of peritonitis.

 

THE PLASTER CAST BOWEL

A junior doctor told me the tale of the gay couple who were messing around with plaster of Paris mix (used for plaster casts on limbs). One poured the mix into the anus of the other, but then the cast couldn't be removed. The bowel is a rather twisty-turny thing and the plaster cast couldn't simply be pulled out. During emergency surgery, surgeons removed a perfectly formed cast of the rectum and lower intestinal tract and, for some reason they never determined, a table tennis ball!

 

THE PLASTER CAST HUSBAND

There are plenty of cases of people trying to plaster cast their genitals and needing to have the plaster removed from outside (or sometimes inside) their genitals. However one couple decided to go step further and do a whole body casting of the husband. His missus greased him up, then applied copious amount of plaster impregnated bandage. Rather too much plaster, as they later found out. She left him standing up to dry with only his mouth, eyes and nose visible. Several hours later, he's firmly set in a block of plaster and having problems breathing. He's having an experience hitherto only known to people who upset criminal mobs and who end up on the seabed wearing 'concrete overcoats'. He's also desperate to go to the bathroom and guess where there isn't a hole? The plan was that she would be able to gently snip through the plaster, and remove two halves of the mould. It didn't quite go to plan. Apparently there used to be a video of him in a state of panic and his missus attacking him with a hammer and chisel, before calling in the fire department to cut him free.

 

THE DEATH BED

Bed 5 of <insert name> hospital's Intensive Care ward was known as the bed of death. So many patients had died in that bed that the hospital faced a police investigation. Staff had tested the intensive care systems - monitors, ventilators etc - for bed 5 and they were fine. They only used that bed if the other 4 beds were occupied.

Eventually, a leading surgeon was accused of malpractice. The police arrived and were shown the 'scene of the crime'. While there, the police officer spotted a hospital cleaner entering the room. The cleaner unplugged a plug from a set of power outlets, plugged in her vacuum cleaner and went to work. After finishing, she unplugged her cleaner and put the original plug back in.

The curious policeman tracked the plug's power lead from wall outlet to … Bed 5. Luckily no-one was in there at the time. The angel of death was the hapless cleaner looking for somewhere to plug her cleaner into.

This urban myth was used in the UK ITV police/detective drama "A Touch of Frost", story "Benefit of the Doubt" on January 15th, 2000)

 

NAVEL-GAZING

A young couple had been trying for a baby for several years without any success. Finally they went to their doctor and explained the problem. Tests showed that both of them were fertile, but more astonishingly that the woman was a virgin. The doctor asked just how they had been having sex, phrasing it along the lines that 'their preferred position might be affecting the wife's chances of conceiving'.

"I'm putting it in her belly-button, obviously," the man replied.

Patiently, the doctor explained that the belly-button was not the appropriate orifice, but somehow the couple couldn't grasp exactly what to do.

"Tell you what," the chap said, "If my wife lies down on the couch, you show me how it's done, okay?"

It was highly unethical, but it seemed the only way to get the point across so the doctor made love to the pretty, but childless, wife.

"And that's how babies are made," the doctor announced afterwards, "Though you will need to do it a few times to be sure of getting pregnant."

"So if I bring her back twice a week, you'll do that until she's pregnant?" the husband asked.

 

GYNAE WARDS, BUNNIES AND WHITE MICE 

When I worked in a hospital I discovered 'hospital slang'. In the gynae ward (women's ward), tampons are called 'white mice' i.e. white fluffy things with tails while sanitary towels are known as 'bunnies' because they're white and fluffy (in the days before super-absorbent towels, sanitary towels were thick and fluffy; they were also much bigger hence the maternity ones were known as 'saddles'.)

Legend has it, that one hospital employed a student on summer break as temporary stores man. An order arrived from gynae for a gross (144) of bunnies and the same number of white mice. Unfortunately, no-one had told the gynae nurses that the regular stores man was on leave .... and no-one had taught the student hospital slang - leading to some rather animated results.

According to a similar tale, a militant animal-rights campaigner overheard some doctors discussing the shortage of white mice and bunnies at the local hospital. The campaigner spoke to his friend who talked to the local Animal Liberation Organization who duly liberated a large quantity of tampons and two crates of sanitary towels.

 

TUNED IN 

Doctors sectioned a chap (sent him to a psychiatric institution) after he complained of persistent voices in his head only to discover that he wasn't schizophrenic after all - the metal plate in his skull (the result of a car crash) was picking up Radio 4.

 

DOGGY STYLE - MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Funny things happen in the casualty department (Accident & Emergency Dept or, to my US friends, the Emergency Room). Never mind the couple who arrived locked together mid-shag because the hubby had mistaken a tube of superglue for KY lubricant jelly ... one chap arrived with a dog clamped to his groin. He'd decided to experiment sexually with his family's Spaniel bitch not realising that a bitch's vagina contracts after sex, trapping the male dog's penis.

No doubt this is what happens when a dog is more than man's best friend.

 

SHELL-SHOCKED

Then there was the old chap who arrived with live WWII shell trapped in his rectum. The shell was just the right size and shape to push his piles (haemorrhoids') back into his anus. He hadn't realised it was live. Unfortunately he'd coughed and the piece of ammunition had been sucked into his rectum. The army sandbagged the casualty dept while doctors very gingerly removed the offending article from the man's orifice.

 

EAR-RINGS 

Doctors treated a woman for intermittent tinnitus (ringing in the ears) for months without any improvement. When one of the doctors did a house call he discovered that the 'condition' was caused by the thin plasterboard walls in her house - the ringing was the sound of the chap next door practising the glockenspiel!

 

GOING FOR A PEA 

A slightly eccentric chap in London suffered from incontinence. Bladder muscles had deteriorated so that urine continually leaked and it seemed that the medical profession could do nothing to rectify the situation.

Ever resourceful, the man discovered his own solution. He pushed a dried pea down into his penis to block the flow. When his bladder was full, he simply 'milked out' the pea before having a pee.

One day, however, the pea failed to dislodge. He still managed to get urine to dribble out, but his penis began to swell alarmingly. After a week, he went to see a doctor. The pea was removed under anaesthetic. The warmth and moisture had made it sprout. Another few days and the first leaves would have emerge from the poor man's dick.

 

CONTRACEPTIVE POTATOES 

In a similar vein, a rural lass had been told that a piece of potato made a fine substitute for the contraceptive cap. Indeed it seemed to work a treat. After one particular night of passion, just before her lover went off to sea, she forgot to remove the potato peel. A few days later she notice a discharge. A few days later still, the itching was so bad she went to the doctor. He was shocked to see the potato had sprouted and a healthy stem was well on the way to the outside world. Unfortunately, the spud had taken root in her womb and an operation was required to remove it. The surgeon reckoned that had she given it another few months, she'd have given birth to a fine crop of King Edwards.

 

THE LOST WARD

The League of Friends of a West Midlands hospital raised sufficient funds for a new hospital wing to built. Workman knocked down a hospital wall so they could build the new ward as an annexe to the existing building. On the other side of the wall was a fully equipped intensive care unit containing thousands of pounds worth of equipment all covered in dust. A previous gang of workmen had accidentally walled up the ward during a hospital remodelling exercise; they'd forgotten to put in the new doorway from the main corridor and hospital authorities had forgotten the ward was there. (Hospitals are such rabbit warrens that it's probably true)

 

FUNNY TURNS 

In the days before bone-pinning, splinting or external fixations, fractured legs and ankles were simply bandaged and the patient remained in immobile in hospital until the bone had knitted. A hospital doctor was concerned that simple leg fractures were not healing - in fact, some were getting worse. One evening as he was wandering through the wards he noticed two young nurses giving patients bed baths. They rolled the patients over to wash their backs and in doing so, rotated the leg so that the foot pointed backwards. No wonder the bones never knitted!

 

SAGGING BAGS 

An elderly chap had an unfortunate encounter with a sun-lounger in his back garden in Worthing. The old chap had enjoyed a nice hot bath and, seeing the sun brightly shining decided to do a spot of nude sun-bathing in his secluded back garden. After 20 minutes of lying on his front, he tried to turn over but discovered his testicles were stuck between the slats of the sun-lounger. Eventually his cries for help were heard by a neighbour who called the fire brigade to cut the embarrassed oldie free.

The heat of the bathwater had apparently caused his testicles to sag and they'd dropped between the slats, and the comparatively low temperature outdoor made them spring back into their normal position.

(According to one version, he was a fellow in a nudist camp and he had sat down on a slatted chair after a sauna - with similar results).

 

BLOOD DONORS WANTED! 

London blood donors were surprised to get an emergency call up for a session held in the conference rooms at London Zoo in Regents Park. "I suppose this is in case any twit jumps into the lion's den and needs an emergency transfusion," joked one donor as he did sipped his post-bleed tea. "Er no," said the doctor, "The zoo has just taken delivery of some vampire bats from South America and they only eat human blood."

 

THUNDERSTRUCK 

A young couple were taken to hospital stark naked following a thunderstorm. They'd been hit by lightning. They explained to disbelieving staff that they'd sheltered under a tree during the storm and the force of the lightning bolt had ripped off all their clothes ...

In one version, there is no denying that they were struck by lightning while making love. The girl is killed instantly and her vaginal muscles contract. Passers by find the man a few hours later - still stuck tight inside his girlfriend and by then stark raving mad from staring into her dead eyes.

 

PINNED IN PLACE 

In the days before adhesive plasters, doctors relied on safety pins to fix bandages in place. One doctor accidentally put the safety pin right through the patient's skin when fixing a dressing. The doctor only discovered this a month later when the patient arrived to have the dressing remove.

"Why on earth didn't you tell me?" asked the mortified medic.

Demonstrating complete faith in the medical profession, the patient responded, "I assumed you did it so the bandage didn't slip."

 

UNPROTECTED SEX? 

A friend of a friend of ours is a nurse working at the mobile blood donor sessions. Every donor is put through the third degree before blood can be taken and she particularly remembers one chap. He carefully read the board and explained that he had in fact been to one of the countries listed - Africa -within the last couple of months.

The nurse discreetly asked him if he'd had sex with anyone while in Africa. Looking rather embarrassed he admitted that he had. The nurse called the doctor who took the chap to one side and proceeded to ask him some more questions. Had he used a condom for instance. No, the chap hadn't thought it necessary to use a condom.

The doctor began the standard safe sex lecture and told the chap that at his age he should have known better - didn't he realise that he could get Aids or VD from unprotected sex in a country where such things were prevalent.

"Oh," said the chap, "I didn't think it necessary to take all those precautions when sleeping with my own wife, regardless of which country we're in when we do it."

 

HARD PEAS 

A social worker visiting one of her elderly 'clients' noticed several uneaten peas in the old timer's ashtray.

"You don't much like peas I take it?" she asked.

"It's not that - they're so damned hard I can't eat them. I've complained to Meals on Wheels but they don't take any notice. I don't know what they do to them, but the peas are like bullets!"

The social worker took one and bit down on it. Bits of enamel chipped off her teeth and she spat the offending rock-hard pea out.

"I see what you mean," she agreed.

"Yeah - and those ones have passed through my digestive system once."

 

BRAZIL NUTS 

A social worker went to check up on an old guy living in sheltered housing in Stratford-upon-Avon. The chap welcomed her in and offered her a cup of tea. While he was in the kitchen, his social worker noticed a bowl of brazil nuts on the coffee table and helped herself to a couple. She figured he wouldn't notice. They sat and discussed about his need for someone to do his weekly groceries and help vacuum clean his bungalow. After a short while, the old guy noticed his social worker was looking at the bowl of Brazil nuts.

"Have one if you like," he offered.

"Are you sure?" she asked, her hand half-way out to the bowl.

"No problem. My grandchildren bought me some chocolate brazil nuts for Christmas, but they're too hard for my false teeth so I just suck the chocolate off and spit the nuts out into that bowl," he replied.

 

FISHY TALE 

The botulism germ, sometimes found in home-canned meat or fish, causes paralysis. One of the early symptoms of botulism is drooping eyelids (which resembles sleepiness). There is a tale, well-known in the medical profession, of a rowboat found drifting in a Scottish loch. In it were four men surrounded by expensive fishing gear. All four were very dead and they all had their eyelids propped open with matchsticks. On the bottom of the boat was a half-eaten can of home-made fish paste ...

 

NOT GASSED

A young man was admitted to hospital after a failed suicide attempt. One evening, in an attempt to end it all, he'd put a hosepipe on the exhaust tailpipe of his car and tried to gas himself with carbon monoxide. Normally this takes about 10 minutes. The following morning his girlfriend found him, still conscious but with a splitting headache, in the car. Luckily, or maybe unluckily, for the would-be suicide, his 3-way catalytic converter was so effective that the exhaust gases didn't contain enough carbon monoxide to kill him. The car simply ran out of fuel part way through the night.

 

X-RATED WEDDING VIDEO

A young couple asked a relative to video their wedding rather than hiring an expensive professional to do the job. The groom's uncle was a bit of a video buff and offered to do the video, edit it and distribute copies to the family. In due course he filmed the occasion and compiled a video of the best bits - bride arriving at the church, the wedding ceremony, the speeches and the most hilarious or emotional moments at the wedding reception. He made a 20 or so copies which he distributed to the happy couple and their relatives. The newlyweds eagerly played the video only to find that the groom's uncle has somehow switched tapes and distributed copies of a home made porno movie of the uncle and two of the bridesmaids!

(Some tales say the porno movie was of the uncle, the groom and two of the bridesmaids).

 

SATELLITE TROUBLE

Envious of their friends, a young couple desperately wanted satellite TV but couldn't afford the dish or a decoder box. An electronics-minded friend agreed to build an illegal decoder and rig up a satellite dish from a dustbin lid and assorted bits and bobs. Unfortunately, the result was disappointing - the picture was watchable but fuzzy, which was to be expected from an illegal dish and decoder. One evening, the wife went over to some neighbours to babysit. After the kids had gone to bed, she switched on their TV to watch Sky One on satellite. As she flicked through the channels she noticed one which looked vaguely familiar. It was a film of her hubby in a clinch with the lass down the street. Somehow, the illegal dish transmitted images to the rest of the street. And since the young couple were in the habit of having sex on the sofa, the rest of the street must have been regular viewers!

 

THE SHEEPDOG 

A friend of a friend used to deliver fuel oil to remote farms and cottages. One day, he turned up at a farmhouse as usual, but couldn't get a response when he knocked at the door. Unperturbed he loaded the oil into the farmhouse oil tank and went in search of someone to sign for it. Eventually he noticed the barn door was ajar so he went in, expecting to find a farm-hand doing whatever it was that farm-hands do in barns. Instead, he found the farmer's wife bent over a bale of hay, her skirt raised to her waist, with a large sheep dog servicing her.

 

DOG-KNOTTED 

The farmer's wife should be careful ... a dog's penis expands during sex and gets locked in the bitch's vagina for up to an hour. As one poor woman found out when she and her canine partner was disturbed by husband returning home. The dog panicked and pulled itself free. The poor woman died of internal haemorrhaging.

 

GERBILLOPHILIA 

A chap from America's "gay coast" always practised safe sex. Rather than trusting the extra-strength anal condoms constructed from bicycle inner tubes, he and his partners indulged in the growing craze for "gerbillophilia" (yes that really is what it's called in sex manuals). He was also a regular blood donor, and all donors have their blood tested for the HIV virus. When his latest blood test came back positive he exclaimed "I don't understand it, I've never had intercourse with any of my partners."

"Oh dear," said his physician, "You haven't been sharing gerbils have you?"

 

RUSSIAN OVERCOATS 

A group of sixth-formers went on a cultural trip to Russia where they discovered that condoms there were extremely cheap and bought a job lot to sell to their mates back home. Maybe British lads are spoiled with the choice of Gossamer, Featherlite and Fruity-flavoured; as the Russian rubbers were not to their taste - they were strong, black, deadened all sensation and appeared to be made of recycled tractor tyres.

 

DOGGY STYLE - A QUESTION OF TASTE 

She could have stuck to oral sex, which is what a French girl did. The girl in question phoned into a radio chat show about 'early sexual experiences' and described the act. Unperturbed by the shocking tale, the talk show host merely asked 'and what does dog semen taste like in comparison to that of a human?'

 

IN FITS 

My old landlady told me a tale about a former resident of our student shared house. One of the chaps had brought home his new girlfriend and taken her upstairs to indulge in a bit of hanky-panky (as my landlady called it). There'd been some terrible accident and the guy had been taken to hospital with his 'three piece' badly lacerated and his girlfriend had been taken in the same ambulance with head injuries. I finally managed to get the details from another former resident ....

... The student had taken his girlfriend upstairs for sex, but the girlfriend hadn't told him she was epileptic. She had a tendency to have small fits whenever she climaxed and her boyfriend just thought it was part and parcel of her orgasm, not knowing about her epilepsy. That particular night they were indulging in mutual oral sex. She climaxed very suddenly, didn't have time to let go of his dick, and her jaws locked in place on his penis. He was in agony. He managed to manoeuvre himself into a position where he could reach her face but he couldn't prise her jaws apart.

By then he was sure his dick was going to rupture so he grabbed a heavy text book of the bedside table and he hit her on the head with it. He figured that if he knocked her unconscious she'd relax and he could get his poor tortured dick out from between her teeth. Anyhow, he had hit her a dozen or so times but she was still locked rigid. Finally he called for an ambulance. The paramedics had to shoot the girl full of anti-conversants to relax her jaws. By the time they got the guy free, his dick was chomped to heck and he'd battered his girlfriend black and blue. Funny thing is, they got married next spring, but he never did let her give him a blow job.

MILKMAN'S K(N)OCK

At 6 a.m. in the suburbs of one of our larger cities, milk bottles can be heard rattling in their crates.  Whistling a cheery air, a milkman walks up the garden path to the front door of a house which has all its curtains closed and from which can be heard the sound of
music being played.  He rings the door bell and waits. The door is soon opened and in front of him the milkman sees the house owner who is standing in the doorway minus his trousers and underpants.  Long shirt tails preserve the gentleman's modesty. 
"Sorry guv, did I wake you up?" asks the curious the milkman. 
"Not at all," replies the chap,  "We were having an all-night party and playing a game.  All the men are naked below the waist and all the women have been blindfolded and are trying to guess the men's identities by exploring their family jewels."
"Sounds like great fun" says the milkman, wondering why he never gets invited to that sort of party.
"It is" replies the gentleman, "Why don't you come in and join us?"
"I couldn't possibly," said the milkman.
"Why not?  I really think you ought to, especially as your name's been mentioned at least a dozen times so far."

 

DOGGY STYLE - STUDENT VERSION 

A chap I knew with told me a tale of his student days. One afternoon, he and some friends went to find the Student Union President. The guy wasn't in any of his usual haunts (bars, pubs, even the University library etc) so they went over to his digs to find him. They knocked at the door and even phoned on a mobile phone, but to no avail. Yet they knew he was at home because music was playing and there was a strange rhythmic grunting coming from upstairs.

Smiling smugly, the students decided to surprise the SU President whom they assumed was with a girlfriend. One guy shinned up a drainpipe and peered in the bedroom window from which the grunting emanated. The President of the SU was down on the floor committing an unspeakable act ... with his landlady's pet dog.

 

MR AND MRS 

In New Zealand, there is a steamy radio version of the popular 'Mr and Mrs' quiz show. For those not familiar with the show, the presenter asks the husband a series of questions about his wife's tastes in music, holiday locations etc. The wife is then invited onto the set and asked the same questions. Then the process is repeated with the wife answering questions about her husband etc. The couple who know most about each other's preferences is the winner. Since this was a late night radio show, the questions were of the more exotic, if not downright erotic nature. A young couple who had only been married a couple of weeks were one question away from the top score, beating many couples who had been married for several years.

The last question was to ask the wife about the oddest place the couple had had sex. The response given by the husband, in his wife's absence, was 'in a telephone kiosk outside a train station'

"The final question," the presenter said to the wife, " is .... where is the oddest place you've ever had sex?"

The young woman blushed, stammered and said nothing.

"It's okay," coaxed her husband, "You can say."

After stammering furiously, the young wife finally said "Up the bum"

Which came as rather a surprise to the husband who had certainly never had anal sex with his wife ... but it did explain how he'd married a virgin!

(see the end of this file for a more detailed breakdown of this myth)

GOOD VIBRATIONS

A friend of mine told me this. She'd been told it in confidence by a woman she used to meet quite often at the hairdressers. This woman's friend got a telephone call from a company who asked her for her full name. The woman told them her name and the street she lived in. The caller told her he worked for a company that makes vibrators, and is asked if is the <name> who bought one in town. Hesitantly the woman replied that she did buy a vibrator and she confirmed the make, model and colour.

The called asked if she's used the vibrator and the woman replied, unsurprisingly, that it hadn't been used. The man explained her that there is a fault in that brand of vibrator, but that is not serious. The woman got quite a bit nervous just then and admitted that it had actually been used, but not much. The man asked her to say just how often it has used, and how recently. The woman was given some spiel about how the vibrator can cause non-serious weight gain in some people after more than occasional use. She admitted that it has been used several times a day since purchase.

At that point, the company rep identifies himself as a disc-jockey for a local radio station, and told her that their conversation - where she gave her full name plus some very private details - has just been aired LIVE on the radio. Needless to say, she couldn't face her neighbours for quite a long time after that.

MAGGOT MOMMY

A woman had been absent from college for a number of weeks.  When she returned one of her close friends was curious as to why she had been sick for so long. The following story emerged. The woman and her boyfriend enjoyed involving food in their foreplay, mars bars, cream, syrup, gravy, peanut butter, you name it.  One day the boyfriend, before going to work, made his sandwiches for the day: tuna & mayonnaise; leaving the left over tuna & mayo lying out on the kitchen counter. He went to work, came home, had dinner and relaxed for a night with his girlfriend.  Time passed and the pair of them got in the mood and start "doing the do". The boyfriend remembered the left over tuna mayo in the kitchen and applied it all over his girlfriend's genital area so he could lick it off.  Two days later, the couple felt very ill with vomiting and stomach ache which they blamed on the tuna mayo - it had obviously gone "off" while sitting on the kitchen counter. The boyfriend recovered after a day or two, but his girlfriend's condition worsened - severe abdominal pains and what felt like really bad period pain. Eventually she couldn't even get out of bed. They called a doctor who thought the woman might have tumours in her womb and referred her to a gynaecologist who immediately did an internal examination. To his horror, the woman's womb was full of maggots which had hatched from eggs laid in the left over tuna mayo. They eggs had been pushed deep inside her during sex, had incubated in the warm moist conditions and hatched out, crawled through the cervix and into the womb. The womb is well equipped to support a baby - or a swarm of hungry maggots as in this case!

 

SALAD (S)CREAM

My colleague's friend's five-year-old son, Billy, walked into the living room and asked "Mum what's sex?"

Dad turned pale, but the lad's mum (deciding that the kid was too young for a birds and bees talk) said "Sex is … well, it's another word for making salad."

There was a pause while Billy digested this information. Finally he said "Were you and Dad making salad on the couch last night?"

Both parents turned very pale, but decided to stick to the salad theme. "Yes, Billy we were. Why do you ask?"

The kid then said, "I thought so. I licked up some salad cream and I think you put too much vinegar in it."

(Salad Cream is a bitter, runny version of mayonnaise - it's popular in Britain)

 

A LITTLE FANTASY

A couple in their 30s had been trying for a baby for 10 years with no success. Eventually, tests showed that the husband was infertile. The waiting list for Donor Insemination seemed endless, giving them only one choice - find a male friend to provide sperm. One of the husband's colleagues agreed to provide sperm and the couple would use a turkey basting syringe . That way, the woman would avoid the embarrassment of meeting the donor. After several attempts with the turkey baster method, they decided to invite the man over and do it 'the way nature intended'.

The couple arranged for his colleague to visit one evening while, the husband went down the local pub for a couple of hours; in order to let them get on with it in private.

The wife was pretty embarrassed about the idea and her husband suggested "Think of it like playing a part in a film. You're a vamp about to seduce a young man. Or you're a madam and he's a client. That way you're just actors following a script.."

It sounded a good way to overcome shyness and achieve the goal. On the appointed day, the husband went off to the pub while his wife dressed up in a sexy outfit. At about 19:30 the doorbell rang. She opened the front door and stood there clad in crotch less panties and peephole bra and said 'Take me! I want your babies'. Unfortunately, it wasn't the surrogate father at all, it was an elderly chap collecting money for the red Cross flag day.

 

NOT TONIGHT DEAR - OH, THE HEADACHE'S GONE! 

A friend of my second cousin was a girl of fifteen. One day, the parents decided to go out for a meal of the evening, which they did, and leave the teenager on her own. No sooner had the parents left the street did the daughter quickly run out to her boyfriend's house, and invited him round. They got down to business, and when the parents returned, they found him and her having sex on the sofa.

The father looked irate, and, while the lad was dressing himself again, chased him round the room. Then the father chased the boyfriend out the house and down the street "to give him a damn good thrashing for taking advantage of my daughter".

Meanwhile, the mother sat her offspring down for a "birds-and-the-bees" talk. When it came to the part about using protection, the daughter replied, "Its okay, mum. I used your contraceptive pills." The mother went into the bathroom to look and found that none were missing. When questioned about this, the girl replied "That's okay, I replaced them with aspirins."

In some versions this ends with the mother finding she is pregnant. And the maid is also pregnant. As are any other female day staff you are to mention.

 

THE WATER CLOSET 

In the days when you couldn’t count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Germany. The British are reputed to be rather prudish about bodily functions and privacy and this lady was no exception. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster and she was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a flushing WC or a primitive outhouse at the end of the garden (with chamber-pot under the bed for night-time use). In England, a lavatory is commonly called a WC (water closet). The worried lady wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters. The priest concluded that the lady was a good God-fearing Christian and wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" (small Methodist Church) near the house. The thought of a flush lavatory never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.

As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster

 

INTERNET ROMANCE

A 27 year old British man, John Patterson, struck up an internet chat-room relationship with a 25 year old American woman Charlene Gryzb from LA. After several weeks of chat and swapping details, he decided that he so much liked the photos she sent that he sold everything to go over to the US and visit her.

When he met Gryzb, Patterson discovered that the photos she'd sent him had been 35 years old and she was now 60 years old and weighed 20 stone! Nevertheless, Patterson stayed over in the US to make the best of the 'holiday' albeit without the romantic stuff. While there, the police raided Gryzb's home and found the body of her former employer in the deep freeze. The 70 year old man had died of suffocation and the unscrupulous Gryzb, his live-in housekeeper, had frozen him so she could keep on claiming his benefit entitlements! Because he'd been frozen, no-one knew when the housebound senior had actually died.

Patterson was detained by the LA police and his passport was confiscated.

"They suspected that I was involved and that Charlene and I planned to use Straub's [employer's] money together ... they evidently thought I planned to settle there illegally."

Eventually the LA police released Patterson without charge. "He was plainly a victim in this," said a spokesperson.

On returning to Britain, Patterson, who currently lives at home with his mother, said he will not be going on any more Internet dates.

"It could have been worse," he admitted, "She might have been an axe-murderer. She seemed very plausible on the internet. I was just naďve."

 

THE MR AND MRS LEGEND DISSECTED

There is a persistent myth that a couple on the Newlywed Game (the American show adapted for UK as "Mr & Mrs") answered the question "the strangest place you've ever had sex" as "up the butt". It's been consistently denied by the program makers and presenter and a $10,000 reward was offered to anyone who could provide proof. With so many people insisting that it is true, did it actually happen? The answer is "not in the form described by the legend". It appears that the legend was inspired by an episode of the show, but the actual events are somewhat different from the legend in circulation.

First the legendary version. The legend has been attached to the Newlywed game, a New Zealand radio show and to high jinks at wedding reception discos and parties - in fact anywhere a heterosexual couple might participate in a Mr & Mrs type game.

The presenter has asked the husband where's the strangest place he and his wife have made love. The answer varies from legend to legend, but in general the man responds something about "on the kitchen table" or "in her parents' bedroom" i.e. by giving a geographical location. The wife is called out and asked the same question. She blushes.

Husband: It's okay. You can say. I've already told him.
Wife: Up the ass (In UK versions it is "up the bum")

In some versions, the husband responds "not with me you didn't!" sometimes adding "so that's why you were still a virgin!" and sometimes the couple come to blows.

But is the legend it true? Not quite. Its origin is probably a Newlywed Game clip (from a Game Show Network rebroadcast of the show) from 1977 (not "the 1960s" as the legend suggests). In the 1977 "Maternity Day" episode, Hank Perez guessed that his wife Olga would say the strangest place she'd ever had the urge to make whoopee was in their car on the freeway. When the wives were brought in to provide their answers to the same question, here is what transpired:

Bob: Here's the last of our five-point questions. Girls, tell me where, specifically, is the weeeeeiirdest place that you personally, girls, have ever gotten the urge the make whoopee. The weirdest place. Olga?

Olga: Umm . . . (audience laughter) [pause]
Bob: Yes, Olga?
Olga: Uh . . .
Henry: Go ahead.
Bob: Yes, Olga.
Olga: I'm trying to think. Umm . . . [Turns to husband.] Gee Henry, what did you say?
Bob: Hey, don't ask him. He can't help you out at all.
Olga: Is it in the ass? [Last three words bleeped]
Bob: No no no . . . no . . . what I'm talking about is the weirdest location, the weirdest place . . .
Olga: The weirdest location. I don't know. [Laughs]
Hank: [Laughs uproariously]

Is this the "smoking gun" urban mythologists have been waiting for? Die-hards will claim it's a smokescreen since key details don't match the legend, including the date (1960s in the legends; the clip is from 1977). That in itself isn't surprising since legends evolve as they do the rounds. That clip is currently one of the most famous bits of bleepery on TV. It's claimed to be the clip that Bob Eubanks has spent the last twenty years insisting never, ever happened. In the denied legends, the dim witted woman usually says "That'd be the butt, Bob" but in the clip she actually said "Is it in the ass?" so his denials remain valid.

The overwhelming majority of people who claim to have seen the legendary episode air stated that the couple were black, and that the woman's response was "That would be in the butt, Bob" (or "Up da butt, Bob" or something similar). Neither Hank nor Olga - nor any of the other couples on that Maternity Day episode - was black. Olga's response is quite different from the legendary retelling. Olga says it as a question "is it in the ass?" while the legendary version makes a declaration that it was "up the butt". Of course, the date (1960s) and the memory of a (dim witted) black couple performing anal sex could well be simple racist additions to the myth. A legend or joke is the ideal vehicle for racist propaganda - spreads quickly and stays in folk memory.

So if it really happened, albeit not the way it's told in legends, why has Bob Eubanks spent years denying it and even offered a reward to anyone who could prove it did? The Maternity Day episode originally aired well before VCRs were common, and before the existence of cable channels dedicated to replaying old game shows. The legend wasn't widespread until several years later; by then true oral tradition had changed many of the details as it circulated. Since the show hadn't been rebroadcast, and no home viewer had a videotape of it, there was no proof as to what had really happened. The legend was accepted as fact.

Eubanks then finds himself being regularly asked about the episode - not the episode which really happened, but the version which exists in popular legend. He's hosted thousands of shows and can't remember all of them and besides, even if he did remember the show, the description from the legend doesn't quite match what really happened. Contestants have given all sorts of stupid, hilarious and sexy answers over the years, how was the presenter to know than one particular episode would mutate into an enduring legend?

To debunk the legend and to stop people hassling him about the episode they "remember" (or miss-remember) Eubanks offers a reward to anyone who can provide proof. It's a safe offer since the legend is different from the show which spawned it and also the amount is relatively small compared to the TV channel's turnover. Maybe he had a few doubts, otherwise he'd have offered $10 million as a reward for proof. He's on safe grounds denying that the legendary version never happened. He denied the existence of a specific version. That version - the one of urban legend - is far-removed from Hank and Olga's five minutes of fame.

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