SS Richard Montgomery Matter
Bad jokes and dirty jokes and sexy jokes and funny jokes some old some new
Warning PG rated. Leave NOW if underage.
how do you define adultery?
putting yourself in someone else's position.
A history teacher asks a class full of kids
Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
Was so depressed last night that
I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan ..
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says
'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and
stole her purse.
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden
shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
A man is in a queue at a supermarket and sees this busty blonde
staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you
the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your
other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must
confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit
that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I was a football player!'.
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose
washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the
ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep
Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make
me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger cock than your brother'
who as the first woman to sit on the supreme court?
john Marshalls mistress.
one good reason to substitute sex for cigarettes?
look how many cigarettes come in a pack.
what did the fda classify condoms as?
what would you call woodys horny dad?
a man kept coming to mary lous cafe and ordering ham & eggs.
to play a prank, mary lou scratched ham & eggs off the menu.
the next time he came in, she handed him the menu, saying honey,
i just scratched what you like! well, he replied, wash your
fingers and get me some ham & eggs!
a man came home to his wife and told him his dick was caught
in the pickle slicer and he was fired. she unzipped his pants
and asked him, why, its alright, where's the pickle slicer?
oh, she got fired too!
a little boy asked his mother if its ok to eat light bulbs.
why? she asked him. well, i heard big brother say,
if you turn off the light ill eat it!
did you hear about the man with 5 penises?
his pants fit like a glove.
whats the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
one says ribbit, ribbit, one says rubbit rubbit!
why did richard cody change his name to william?
he didn't want to be known as buffalo dick.
did you all hear about the new breakfast cereal for impotent men?
its called: nut n raisin honey!
a couple were in bed and the wife was getting horny, so she
said to her hubby, who was a laundryman, that shed like a
quick rinse and spin.
too late, honey, he said, i had a small load so i did it by hand.
a horny man went to his wife's bed carrying a glass of water
and an aspirin.
but i don't have a headache honey! she said. gotcha!
the definition of a loser? a man with a hard on who walks into
a wall and busts his nose.
confucius say, woman who refuse to shave, have hair by cracky!!
what's one she plus one she? a tooshie.
how does a woman earn the right to ride with a biker?
suck start his Harley.
what did one ovary say to the other ovary?
did you order a piano? there's 2 nuts here trying to shove in
what is the lightest organ?
a penis, a mere thought can raise it.
why did the restaurant print its bills on condoms?
so the man can stick his date with the bill.
what gets wet as it dries?
what does a woman say after her 3rd orgasm?
what, you don't know?
three women were talking. i call my man seven up because he has
7 inches and always has a hard on. i call my man mountain dew
because he loves to drink from my mountains. well that's nothing,
said the last one, i call my man johnny walker.
we don't get it, they said, that's just a hard liquor.
exactly! she replied.
how many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
two, if they can get inside.
how do you know the bartender is pissed at you?
when you find a string in your bloody mary.
what can you do in case of fallout?
put it back in and take shorter strokes.
why is there a string on the end of a tampon?
to floss your teeth with after eating.
what's the difference between pussy and parsley?
nobody eats parsley.
what is the sign of a macho woman?
she kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
heard about the flaky geneticist in southern California?
he's trying to cross a Mexican jumping bean with a cucumber
in order to create the worlds first organic vibrator.
why do some women like to play packmen?
its the only way they know to get eaten 3 times for a quarter.
why do some men like to play pinball?
its the only way they can get 5 balls for a quarter.
what is the definition of a nympho?
a woman who likes every man to be in different.
what's red and has seven little dents?
snow whites cherry.
what do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
a cherry float.
how does Pinocchio make love to his wife?
she sits on his face and he starts telling lies.
what's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?
when eating pussy at least you can see the asshole in front of you.
did you hear about the man who farted in church?
they made him sit in his own pew.
did you hear about the woman who was a wallflower at the party?
she was a dandelion in bed.
what's the ultimate rejection?
when you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
what's the difference between intercourse and rape?
why do women like hunters?
they always go deep into the bush, shoot twice, and eat what they shoot.
if dicks had wings, your ass would be an airport.
three guys were fishing at a lake in the summer, when one of
them fell in. after rescuing him from the bottom, the first guy
gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. man, this guy really
has bad breath! he exclaimed. i cant revive him, you give it
a try! the second guy took his turn. man, you're right, he
does have raunchy bad breath, and i don't remember this
snowmobile suit either!
who had the earliest recorded case of pms?
mary. she rode josephs ass all the way to Bethlehem.
Cinderella had married prince charming and they lived happily for
a couple of years. then she began to get bored and started playing
around with other male members of the court and the land. her fairy
godmother was very upset that cindy was doing this and told her to
stop. well, cinderella didnt listen, so the fairy godmother turned
cinderellas personal parts into pumpkin pieces. after a few weeks
the fairy godmother checked in on cindy and found that cinderella
was grinning happily. whats happened? youre no longer bored?
oh no, replied cindy! ive just met peter peter pumpkin eater!
a guy was sitting at a bar when his friend asked, frank, what would
you do if you came home and found a guy humping your wife? id break
his white cane, trash his wheelchair and call the home he escaped from!
the definition of a brute?
a man who uses a tire iron to put on his rubber.
boy would i like a little pussy, but my wife has a great big huge one.
two ladies came out of the beauty shop one day and one of them saw
her husband coming out of the florists. a bit distraught she said now
ill have to keep my legs in the air for a week! why dont you just get
a vase? her friend asked.
what is the rodeo position?
fuck her doggie style then tell her she's the worst fuck you ever had.
now try to hold on for 8 seconds.
the definition of skyjacking? a hand job at 30,000 feet.
did you hear about the girl who swallowed a pin? she never felt a
prick until she got married.
the dirtiest part about eating pussy?
changing the diapers when you're done.
a woman was standing at a bus stop next to a man in a trench coat.
she asked him for the time. he pulled out his peter, looked at it,
and said, ten thirty. she was startled, but said it must be at
least noon. he then took out his cock again and began to vigorously
beat it, saying you're right, lady, i forgot to wind it!
a man was on the $64,000 question and they asked him, what were the
first words eve spoke to adam? that ones too hard for me, he
replied. you're right! the emcee announced.
what were the first words adam spoke to eve?
i don't know how big this thing gets.
what did eve do when adam came home late? counted his ribs.
what computers did god put in the garden of eden?
eve had an apple and adam had a Wang.
a woman fell down some stairs, losing her clothes in the process.
a passing motorcyclist put a helmet over her crotch and drove off.
when the doctor arrived he said, shell have to go to the hospital,
but first we've got to get that cop out of there!
you think your shit don't stink but your farts give you away.
what do Arabs do on a Saturday night?
sit under palm trees and eat their dates.
a girl said to st. peter, upon being refused admittance to heaven,
but my boyfriend told me it was Gabriel's horn, i been blowing on
it for six months!
once a city sparrow came out to the farm to visit his cousin the
country sparrow. you want to see what horseshit looks like? he
said to the city sparrow, then go and follow that horse, he said
pointing at a passing motorcycle. when the city sparrow came back,
he asked, how was it? not good, said the city sparrow, he
farted at every bump but never did shit!
a man went to bed with a stiff proposition and woke up with solution
a fellow went into a hotel restaurant, and the waiter said, do you
want some rocky mountain oysters? what's that, he asked, the kind you
put on a rock and crack? no, the waiter replied, the kind you put in
a crack and rock.
this guy goes to a bullfight in Mexico. afterwards he goes to a
cantina across the street. he gets there just as they're opening,
and this guy rushes up and yells at the owner, hey! gimme the
daily special! the owner says, its yours! the man asks the
owner what the daily special is. the owner tells him, senor, the
daily special is rocky mountain oysters. so the next day the man
decides to skip the bullfight and go right to the cantina. he gets
there just as it opens and yells, gimme the daily special! its
yours, senor. the man eats the whole meal and it is delicious.
he calls the owner over and compliments him but asks why the oysters
were smaller than yesterdays. senor, he answered, sometimes
the bull wins!
advice to recruits: walk your post in a military manner.
salute all pricks except the company commander.
how did Sherlock know that an old man sitting in a restaurant
with a young woman was a taxidermist?
he was stuffing the bird before mounting her.
a Caucasian woman was standing in a crowd.
black men love to get head, she said, but you cant get them to
lick a postage stamp!
what do you call it when a man puts his penis in a hotdog or
how can a man make his wife scream twice?
fuck her in the ass dry then wipe his dick on the drapes.
what's the best thing to come out of a dick?
what 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
did you hear about the new deodorant called umpire?
its for foul balls.
what's brown and sounds like a doorbell?
what's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of smart
the pygmies are a tribe of cunning runts.
how can you tell when your girlfriend gets too fat?
when she sits on you and you cant hear the stereo anymore.
why are a moped and a fat lady similar?
they're both fun to ride but you don't want your friends to see
you on them.
she's so fat that when she walks on the beach in a bikini,
even sumo wrestlers break out laughing.
why did god invent booze?
so fat ugly chicks could get laid too.
how do you screw a fat chick?
roll her in flour and aim for the wet spot.
every time i sneeze i have an orgasm, said the first woman.
oh, what do you take for it? asked the second. snuff.
why don't pygmies wear tampons?
they keep stepping on the string.
what do spaghetti and women have in common?
they both wiggle when you eat them.
what's the difference between love and herpes?
love doesn't last forever.
what are the 5 reasons for not wanting to be an egg?
1. you only get laid once.
2. you only get eaten once.
3. it takes you 7 min. to get hard.
4. you have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5. the only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
what do soy beans and dildos have in common?
both are meat substitutes.
why does dr. pepper come in a bottle?
his wife died.
whats so great about being a dick?
two nuts follow you around all day, your neighbour is an asshole,
and your best friend is a cunt.
why are basketball players terrible lovers?
they dribble before they shoot.
what did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
good morning, ladies!
what's a cotton picker?
a girl who lost her string in her tampon.
what's the difference between a chorus girl by day and night?
by day she is fair and buxom, by night she is bare and fucks em.
what's the difference between a sorority girl and a rolls Royce?
most men have never been in a rolls Royce.
what's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
you can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
what is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
put on her clothes then introduce herself.
how do you get a sorority girl in bed?
grease her hips and the door frame, then throw a twinkie in the bed.
or just shout next!
why is a train a good place to have sex without getting a woman pregnant?
they usually pull out in time.
a woman was taking golf lessons and couldn't seem to get it right.
hold the club like your husbands cock, you can do that right cant
you! the pro said. she swung and hit a hole in one. that's amazing!,
he said. ive never seen anyone swing a club in their mouth before!
what do you get when you cross a hoot owl with
a garter snake?
something that is 12 inches long and stays up all night.
a man came home to find his wife packing.
where are you
going? he asked. to lasvegas, i found that a girl can make
$50 for doing what i do for free with you. he also then began
packing, saying, im going to vegas too. i want to see how you
can live on $50 a month!
why did the dentist spend his spare time in a
he wanted bigger cavities to drill.
what the worlds smallest cemetery?
a pussy, it only takes one stiff at a time.
a man was sitting in the stands with his wife.
men kept coming up to her and fondling her breasts and putting their
hands in her panties. why do you put up with this? asked a
bystander. because if i leave her at home everybody fucks her.
two men were sitting in a bar. one says to the
other, they have
a contest here every night, where if the bartender picks your stool
number you get free sex in the back! how do you know this?
asked the second. because my wife came here last night and said she won three times!
what's the difference between anal sex and a
a microwave browns meat from the inside out.
a boy put a cat in a microwave oven, and now
everything you cook in
it tastes like pussy.
what was in the old maids heart shaped locket?
a picture of a candle.
what's the height of precaution?
using a condom on a candle.
what did one old maid say to the other old
lets go down to the cucumber patch and do push ups!
why is a cucumber better than a man?
it doesn't make you sleep in the wet spot.
how do you know when you've gotten a blowjob
from an underage girl?
she leaves bubble gum on your dick.
why is life like a penis?
when its soft you cant beat it, and when its hard you get fucked.
what is a used tampon good for?
as a tea bag for a vampire.
remember, large cats can be dangerous, but a
little pussy never hurt anyone.
what are the 5 worst things about being a prick?
1. they've got a hole in the head.
2. they've got ring around the collar.
3. their next door neighbours are 2 nuts and an asshole.
4. their best friend is a cunt.
5. every time they get excited they throw up.
why is sex like pizza?
when its good, its pretty good. and when its bad, well, its
still pretty good.
a man walks into a store and asks the girl
behind the register,
do you keep stationery? right up til the last minute, then my
toes curl up and i turn into an animal!
a girl walks into a store and the man behind
the register asks her,
would you like a screw for the hinge? no, she replies, but ill
blow you for that toaster over there!
A seal walks into a club.
weird sex stories from around the world
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?
the horse replies with Because i have AIDS
A mother is baking cookies for her three daughters. Just as they get out of the oven, one daughter asks her mom Why did you name me Rose, mommy?
Because when you were born a Rose fell on your head, dear. the mom replies.
Satisfied, the daughter takes a cookie and walks off. Hearing the question, her second daughter approaches. Why did you name me Lilly, mommy?
Because when you were born, a Lilly fell on your head, dear. Again, satisfied with the answer, the daughter takes a cookie and walks off.
The third daughter then approaches her mother.
Shut up, Fridge!
a guy walks into a strip club
the sign reads:
Hand jobs: $20
Cheese Sandwich: $2
he walks up to the female bartender and says are you the one that gives the handjobs?
yes. she purrs.
better wash your fuckin hands bitch im hungry as fuck
So I get home from work and I see my girlfriend packing up her clothes. I said, Hey baby, what you doing? Im leaving you because I heard you are a paedophile! Shocked, I replied, Paedophile? That's a big word for a 12 year old.
Why did the boy scout get kicked out of camp?
Because he got caught eating a brownie.
One day a penguin takes his car to the mechanic to get it fixed. the mechanic tells him to come back in 15 minutes and the have the damage assessment and the cost estimate. the penguin goes and has a vanilla ice-cream.
He goes back to the mechanic who looks at his car and tells him, looks to me like you blew a seal.
the penguin says oh no, it's just vanilla ice-cream.
How do you prevent homos from getting AIDS?
Tell 'em to sit down and keep their mouth shut.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
Two boys knock on a friends house door The mother answers the door. "can Johnny come out and play football? mother says you know Johnny has leprosy then can we come in & watch him rot?
A recent survey says that 70% ( place favourite ethnic group here) have sex in the shower.
The other 30% have not been to prison...
What has eight legs and makes women scream?
What did One gay sperm say to another?
How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
One night a little girl awoke and she decided to go into her mum and dads room, but no one was there, so she made her way to the garage, and heard something very peculiar coming from the steamed car...
The next morning, the little girl awoke, went down stairs, and whilst eating her breakfast, asked her mother, what where you and dad doing last night mummy in the garage?
The mother paused... We where baking cakes my dear.
The next night, the girl awoke again, went into her mothers bedroom... and alas, no one was there. So she went to the bathroom, and noticed the light was on, and unusual sound where coming from the bathtub.
The next morning, the girl asked her mother again, What where you and daddy doing in the bathroom last night...? Oh... you know... baking cakes again my dear.
Then, on the third night, the girl crept down the stair case, and heard unusual activity in the living room.
The next morning, the girl said, I know what you where doing last night mummy.
The mother asked curiously... ''What?
You where baking cakes...
How do you know that? The mother asked in shock.
The girl replied rubbing her tummy, I licked the icing off the sofa...
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do
about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a
commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to
find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out.
I thought I told you to call your mom! she said.
I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that Doc ?
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story. I have an older friend , much like you,
who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went bang, bang. Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ? asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.
The doctor replied ,My point exactly.
True weird sex stories from around the world
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